Battle wounds.

So in a nutshell, today has been fucking horrible. This was a post i did earlier for my new blog… 

First of all, didn’t sleep at all last night so i was in a bright and peachy mood when i came to the hospital this morning. Then I go to the admissions ward by myself and realise i left my phone in the car, then get lost in the hospital for 20 minutes and have a panic attack. When i finally found the weight disorder unit Mum was already there with my suitcase and everything, but then the nurses decided to do a bag check… And even though i hid my cigarettes in my socks, they individually went through my socks and found them then pulled them out.. in front of my Mum.

So you can guess what happened from there. My mum basically told me she doesn’t trust me at all, and that she thinks i think she is stupid and i can manipulate her. She told me ‘shes done her part’ and its my life, she doesn’t want anything to do with it anymore. She then proceeded to sit in my room, giving me the silent treatment and letting the guilt consume me, for 3 fucking hours.

Then throughout the day i had 3 identical interrogations by different doctors and nurses, answering the same questions over and over again… When did your eating disorder start? Why do you think it started? What behaviours do you engage in? Do you self harm? Do you take drugs? Whats your sleep like? Whats your family like? Have you ever thought about killing yourself?… and a billion other similar questions.

And the food. Firstly, didn’t get a say in lunch, 1 and a half cheese and salad sandwiches smeared in butter and then peach crumble with custard for dessert (didn’t eat the dessert, it tasted like soggy cardboard). I get to the table and no one is talking or making eye contact, its so awkward to even look up from your plate. For dinner i ordered fish and vegetables plus roast potato. They serve me some goupy mayonnaise cream-covered stone-cold fish with brussel sprouts, pumpkin and mash potato (i hate mash potato), and creme caramel for dessert. And this was at 5 o clock, who the hell has dinner at 5?

I feel so sick, i want it out of me now. But no, i have to sit in the living room for an hour doing shit all with the slowest internet ever (It literally takes 5 minutes to load one page, i cant believe i actually paid for this crap.)

Honestly, i can’t wait for this hour to be up so i can just go to my room and cry myself to sleep